8 Things I Want To Forget From WWE's Past

September 21, 2015

I’ve been a fan of the WWE since I was a tiny, violent little kid. I remember vividly not being allowed to actually watch it, so every single week I would YouTube Smackdown and RAW because I needed my fix of grown men in minimal clothing fighting each other with some awkward acting included. I was recently creeping on some old matches and reliving my nostalgia feels when I realized there were some people and moments that… are probably better left in the past. Have fun reliving these uncomfortable studio wrestling moments with me.

 

  1. Big Daddy V/Viscera/Mabel

I realized recently that I suppressed all memories of Big Daddy V. Not only was he inhumanly giant which alone was enough to mortify 50 pound 10-year-old me, but Viscera wore those weird ass blue reptile contacts and he had that brown tracksuit that I get the feeling he wore more than he washed. I definitely forgot about him for a long time for a reason. Into my further research, I did find that he passed on in 2014, which is always sad news to hear about anyone and my condolences are given. Obviously he was pretty great at his job if he left such an everlasting impression on my psyche.

 

  1. Hornswoggle McMahon

If I remember anything from my childhood at all, it’s this. It was weird. The whole segment was weird. The line was originally set up to have it be revealed that Mister Kennedy was the bastard son of Vince McMahon, but after being suspended for being accused of steroid use, apparently their only choice left was…. Hornswoggle. Go watch the reveal segment and tell me you didn’t at least feel secondhand embarrassment.

 

  1. The Boogeyman

Ah yes, the Boogeyman. The terrifying Flava Flave of the wrestling industry that once ate a mole off of Jillian Hall (who’s shitty singing was THIS CLOSE to making this list). He had a worm fetish, probably had concussions from the amount of times he’s smashed things over his head, and had some discount Kane ambiance with the red lighting every time he came out of anywhere. I tried to Google search him and instantly remembered every bad dream I had in middle school. To me The Boogeyman’s whole career is like a bad LSD fever dream.

 

  1. That time Triple H got briefly into Necrophilia

No, banging dead bodies is not cool, hopefully we were all aware of that very early on in life. But apparently when business isn’t going so hot, the best method of action is starting a storyline where you accuse someone of being a murderer then simulate sex with said corpse. Yes. This actually happened. In summary of this all around uncomfy storyline, Triple H accused Kane of being a murderer, then escalated way too far when it ended with Trips banging a dummy in a funeral parlor while in a Kane mask. I think everyone likes to pretend this never actually happened.

 

  1. Bray Wyatt’s weird children’s choir

Listen, I know this wasn’t too long ago, definitely not long enough ago for me to put this painful experience somewhere far deep down in my memory, but Bray Wyatt is a creepy motherfucker and that’s the end of the discussion. My most (least) fond memory of Mr. Wyatt is that time he decided to full on come after John Cena with the Wyatt family and a children’s choir. Not only was there a studio full of terrifying children singing bible tunes, but they all ended it with putting on sheep masks. Masks, scary kids, and John Cena. This whole segment was my worst nightmare. And it’s not even the only time he took the singing kid approach with Cena.

 

  1. The Undertaker kidnapping Stephanie McMahon

So basically there was this one time that The Undertaker kidnapped Stephanie McMahon, dragged her to the ring on a cross and planned to marry her then sacrifice her. While that all sounds great in the world of ‘Taker, it’s only just slightly less disturbing than Triple H getting it on with a figurative dead person. Kidnapping for the sake of sacrificial purposes isn’t cool, kids.

 

  1. CM Punk singing Happy Birthday

I literally can’t watch the video of this happening back without feeling insanely uncomfortable. CM Punk decided it was all fine and dandy to sing happy birthday to Rey Mysterio’s (booyaka booyaka) daughter and the look on her face represents how everyone ever feels. I get war flashbacks of this whenever I see Punk’s face.

 

  1. Mae Young giving birth on RAW

If the on-screen relationship between the late and great Mae Young and Mark Henry during his sexual chocolate era wasn’t weird enough, she then went on to have their baby. On television. Which ended up being…. A bloody hand. If this all sounds weird to you, the segment itself is even weirder, including farting old lady jokes and Mae requesting a cigar before she has her child. I still can’t believe this segment never won a Grammy.

 

 

And there you have it, eight things in the WWE’s history that I regret ever bringing back into my mind. Trust me though, that doesn’t even begin to scrape the barrel as we all know WWE can and will go pretty deep into the funny farm to get it’s storyline ideas. As a horror fan, I’ve always thought the nightmare-inducing scenes that leave you with both a gross feeling and secondhand embarrassment is vastly underrated.

 

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