The Force will awaken this Friday, but for the most of us it will on Thursday night. Just like many fanboys I am glued to the internet watching for any detail on what is going to happen in the film. We live in a day and age where spoilers are all over the place, but in the case of Star Wars VII there are more rumors. These rumors and theories fill my heart with hate and anger which leads to the Darkside. This hate is not to be confused with my pure hate for things, this hate is the you said something so stupid your name should be Jar Jar Binks. This is the first installment of Nerd Rage so buckle up buckaroos cause I’ll be kicking these rumors and theories as hard as I want to kick cute lil BB-8.
Spoiler alerts of sorts…mainly RAGE
I am taking my Hasbro Real FX Obi-Wan saber to the throat if Luke is Kylo Ren. This theory has brought many heated arguments and broken friendships my way. Why is this so so wrong well we saw Kylo’s face in advertisements, trailers, and freaking merchandise. It is no secret that he is played by Adam Driver from Girls fame. How and why this got started I really don’t know why, but it needs to freaking stop. Luke’s role is still a mystery and Driver is too tall to play the Jedi turned Knight of Ren besides he would be called a freaking Sith. Skywalker would not be a lackey for another villain he would be the main man. He will be older this film and in the series he would be in a position of power like the emperor instead of taking orders. This theory is not supported by many facts and is easily proven wrong due to sound facts. Why people fall for this click bait bull is beyond me. The role Luke will be playing is of a hermit/mentor in the form of Obi-Wan and Yoda from the original films.
It needs to have 2 blaster shots to the dome is Jar Jar Binks being an evil mastermind. This little gem of wrong comes from Reddit a place of scum and villainy that makes Mos Eisley look like a Jedi Temple. Jar Jar was a sad attempt of comic relief for the prequels but he crashed and burned into one of the many horrible things that have came out of the 1st 3 movies. The way that the theory was written and explained how this could be true made sense if you really put the pieces together. It will be the biggest twist ever in movie history but it will just anger the fans to the point of mass rioting well in the form of angry blogs and sad Youtube videos. JJ Abrams recently said no Ewoks or Jar Jar in this film so this theory is wrong unless the director of the film is a dirty dirty liar. Mr. Binks was a character that Lucas loved but no one else did or at least shouldn’t so him being a Sith mastermind, or Grand Admiral Snoke is complete crap. It may sound good on paper only if you read this theory upside down and well having you brain scrambled.
The last thing I want to get off my chest is the rumors and theories that are compiled by toy collectors and people who are looking to get the full plot of the movie from advertisements and blogs. This is just nonsense you can’t put together the story through Lego boxes and Black Series figures. You can ruin the movie with spoiler characters in those toys but plot details come on man get over yourself. If you are looking for pieces to the puzzle from advertisements and trailers you will have to spend hours upon hours looking for answer that will be wrong, because you have no freaking context to base your hogwash theory on. The best way to know some of the plot and have a picture of what is going to happen is to read every single book and comic that has been published and labeled a companion to the movie. These little snippets of information are useful for knowledge on what is going to happen but not necessarily a tool to spoil the movie for you and me. Just say no to the rumors my friends and prepare yourself for what is sure to be the awesome movie we have been waiting for, or the biggest waste of my time this year.