Alien: Covenant Review!

May 16, 2017

The Short Version:

 

Oh dear…

 

The Long Version:

 

There was a recent meme that put all of the Alien movies into their respective "Aliens Vs…" categories, starting with "Truckers". They didn’t quite get it right though. The ‘Idiots’ were on the Covenant, not Prometheus. For anyone wanting to avoid spoilers, your journey ends here…

 

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

 

The epic fails start with the decision to blow off the billions of dollars in research that went into finding a suitable planet for colonisation. It’s an almost forgivable decision by a man who’s just a captain, standing in front of a crew, asking them to love him.

The stand out moron-moment, though, has to be when intergalactic rope-a-dope Tennessee decides to throw the ship, and the 2,000 frozen colonists, through a storm that the crew repeatedly states will tear the ship apart. His motivation for doing this, and exposing them all to the highly virulent pathogen everyone keeps telling them about? His wife’s down there, goshdarnit!

 

The stupidity isn’t reserved just for the crew, however; the writers did a brilliant job of being idiots, killing off (always brilliant) James Franco in the first five minutes. In the age of health and safety, they’d have us believe that no one thought an emergency release on the lid of a stasis pod might be a good idea.

 

Elizabeth Shaw’s quest to discover the home world of the Engineers is brutally tied off in about fifteen seconds. The moment doesn’t feel implausible, but it does feel like the production team took the easy way out.

 

The film answers the biggest question anyone ever asked since Alien in a way that immediately makes you wish it hadn’t.. The "perfect organism", it turns out, isn’t the perfected work of our very own creators, but the hobby of an effeminate robot with a god complex.

 

As writers, Logan and Harper simply didn’t have the skills, and/or the confidence, to deliver on the promises set up by the Prometheus. Scott, meanwhile, just seems to be retreading past glories in a desperate attempt to feel talented again.

 

Covenant is stuffed with best bits from the first two Alien films: a rag tag crew chasing a mysterious radio signal, an "elevator to hell", Katherine Waterston cosplaying Ripley by wearing a goofy haircut and a vest, blowing an Alien “out the goddamn airlock!”

 

The trailers for Covenant promised us a movie that would remind us why people couldn’t stop talking about Alien. Unfortunately, the only nightmares I’ll be having will be about phase two of the Ridley Scott Midlife Crisis, better known as Bladerunner 2049.

 

 Source: 20th Century Fox. 

 

 

  

What did you think about Alien: Covenant? Are you even excited to see it? Let Nerdbot know in the comments! 

 

 

 

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